21st March 2020, a date that I'm sure is seared into many peoples memory, as its the date the country officially went in to lockdown, and all the lovely things I'd had planned for my maternity leave which had only started only 2 days prior, were suddenly cancelled. Aquanatal classes? Cancelled, appointment for my lashes? cancelled, right through to my baby shower, cancelled. It was honestly a heart-breaking time and I grieved for that lost time and opportunity for a long time. I'd "saved up" my annual leave and had started my annual leave at 31 weeks, so I knew even if my baby came early, I was still faced with a long stretch of time, that was now to be spent on the sofa confined to my home with the dog and husband for company.

I'd heard of Hypnobirthing, and in my professional capacity, I'd come across women who had taken a Hypnobirthing course in their pregnancy, and used the techniques they had learnt through their labours. However I'd didn't actually know too much about what it was, or what was learnt, so unsurprisingly when I fell pregnant I didn't think too much about it, until I was sitting on the sofa for the umpteenth day in a row, unable to think of anything else, and also unable to participate in the kind of course I'd have liked to, given the ongoing global pandemic. So I did what I could and read a book! 

As a midwife I knew about the physiology of labour, the muscles and the hormones, the anatomy of the female reproductive system, and I've seen a good few births too in my time, so I felt comfortable with what to physically expect, and considering there were weeks that I must have spent more hours on the labour ward than I did at home, I felt like those rooms were a home from home for me too so shouldn't impact my oxytocin too much! However the powerful use of affirmations was completely new to me and I soon found a couple of affirmations that really stuck with me and I carried them through with me to labour.

Now I was in a fairly privileged position that my best friend was also a midwife, and she was my midwife. She had also very kindly agreed to assess me at home if I felt I was going into labour, one of my anxieties heading into labour was that I'd attend the labour ward (after calling my mum to take us as my husband couldn't drive) and I'd be in the early stages of labour and advised to return home. Now normally this wouldn't be an issue, but mid pandemic my mum wouldn't have been able to come in with us as the birth partners were restricted to only one, and I was thinking far more about everyone else and not being an inconvenience! Because of medications I was taking at the time I was advised to stay in hospital for a minimum of 24hrs after birth to allow for observations of withdrawal symptoms on my baby, I understood the rationale and accepted these observations, so felt that I would rather deliver in the hospital rather than transfer in after say a homebirth.

Fast forward to 38 weeks, its a pretty unremarkable Sunday that started like every other day for the last few weeks, with some mild period type pains upon waking up, not severe enough to wake me, but uncomfortable enough to get me out of bed. They were my Braxton Hicks and they'd normally fizzle out after I'd had a pee and some breakfast, but that morning they were still there, however I did notice what I recognised to be a slightly blood stained "show" when I wiped, it didn't phase me, I knew that this can come away days before labour begins, and that labour can often stop and start, so this is what I kept repeating to myself, and since baby was still kicking away like normal, I was reassured. I did have an overwhelming desire to clean the bathroom that day, in all honesty I don't think that its ever been so clean since, and probably never will be- I now recognise that I was in full nesting mode and that this is another sign of labour, but I felt that my tightenings weren't even enough for me to consider taking paracetamol, so I carried on as normal. Normal in those lockdown days mostly consisted of Disney+ and bouncing on the birthing ball! I'd been struggling with pelvic girdle pain and symphysis pubis dysfunction through my pregnancy and the ball very quickly became one of the most comfortable places to sit!

The day went on, and I carried on bouncing and telling myself this could all stop at any moment and attempted to be as normal as possible, I even cooked dinner! And i remember calling my mum and asking if they'd come and collect our dog, I vividly remember saying that it would probably be for nothing and we'd come and get him in the morning, but I didn't want to rush around calling people at a silly time in the morning so I felt less anxious knowing he was enjoying a sleepover at my parents. Once they left I came over so emotional, I felt so guilty for sending him away! I had a hug with my husband a little cry, and in hindsight I believe I was probably entering "Active Labour" at this time. It was about 7pm and I'd started timing my contractions as they were around every 5 minutes and becoming more regular, but I still kept telling myself that this was only the beginning, and it could all stop. I dug around in my memory for the advice I'd give mums in early labour and went for a bath, I had my favourite bubble bath in there and it was lovely and warm, and that's when they really ramped up, I was in the bath for about an hour, and in that time my contractions had now increased to three in every ten minutes, and they were definitely feeling stronger, I got out the bath, and my husband called my midwife, much to my displeasure! Again I was still convinced it was too early, but he wanted to give her the heads up, she advised taking some paracetamol, and to call her back in an hour. 

I took the paracetamol- to no avail as I was promptly sick about half an hour afterwards! Kyle called the midwife back and she said she would come over and see how we were doing. I was in the bedroom by this point after believing I might have been able to nap, as you can imagine whilst contracting regularly, this was a bit optimistic and I didn't sleep, but did lay down and try to rest. When the midwife got here I had moved to sitting on the toilet as it was the most comfortable position I could fine, I had a vaginal examination and she told me I was 6cm dilated! I honestly couldn't quite believe it as I felt I was coping so well and that my contractions surely weren't painful enough for 6cm! But we got in the car and made our way to the hospital, now sitting in that car was agony! Being confined to the chair was really difficult and I near enough leapt out of the car once we arrived. We made our way (very slowly!) to the labour ward and the midwife had gone ahead to secure a room and she had actually started filling the birthing pool as she knew I wanted to use the water if it was available. 

Being in the water was bliss, although as someone who doesn't particularly like a hot bath, the temperature was not really to my normal comfort levels, but again I understood the rationale and attempted to distract my mind. We got to the hospital at about 11pm and within about an hour and a half I was starting to feel a bit more uncomfortable, I felt very heavy and began to feel pressure in my vagina and bum. Throughout my labour I'd been telling myself "my contractions can't be stronger than me, they are me" and it massively helped my mindset and kept me focussed, but I was starting to waver now- probably transition stage, and as my midwife recognised that I was starting to push down with my contractions now rather than being able to breathe through them and she encouraged me to follow my body's lead and I began to push, and it was painful, but I kept going and at 01:05am my baby was born into the birth pool. I brought baby up to the surface where my husband was able to tell me that we had a little boy (we hadn't found out the sex during pregnancy) and it was perfect. 

By 4am I'd had some stiches, some tea and toast, my husband was fast asleep next to me in the double bed in our labour room (we'd been allowed to stay on labour ward instead of transferring to the ward where Kyle would have had to have left) and my baby was fast asleep in the cot next to me. And instead of sleeping during these peaceful, quiet and dark hours, I couldn't help but stare at my beautiful baby and reflect in awe at just how amazing this experience had been!

Fast forward to October 2021 and I discover I'm pregnant again! Following my pregnancy with Jack I struggled with severe Postnatal Depression, I'd actually accessed Psychological therapies during my pregnancy with Jack, but these were moved to on the phone because of the pandemic and I did not find them useful. Then following his birth I was feeling low and lots of feelings of guilt and resentment, I self referred to the mental health services but unfortunately I slipped through the system and I didn't start receiving support until about 5 months post partum. Because of my previous struggles mentally I was very keen to get early help and support as I was already noticing a shift in my mental health. My physical health was also taking a battering from hyperemesis, at 15 weeks pregnant I was back in A&E not having been able to keep any food or water down and I was starting to lose weight too, this would be my second of many hospital visits due to vomiting, I unfortunately suffered nausea and vomiting right up until the night before I gave birth. This not only impacted my physical health, but meant I had to take time off work, and had to tell my work about my pregnancy earlier than I would have liked. I had not long started a new role and the guilt set in from early on that I was being judged for being pregnant after starting a new role!

My clinical psychologist was a gift from above! And we worked together to improve my mindset and mental health, we actually created some affirmations for me and my individual situation. I finished work a lot later than I did with Jack, but this was helped by the fact my hospital trust I worked for still had working from home measures in place from 28 weeks for pregnant employees, so I was able to slowly wind down until I started my annual leave prior to maternity leave at 35+5 weeks. I had been about 2 weeks early with Jack, so I knew there was a possibility of being early again, and I'd also been hospitalised at 33 weeks and again at 34 weeks for threatened pre term labour. Honestly this pregnancy was so completely different from my first and there weren't many moment I enjoyed!

Anyway, I'd started my annual leave and loved being able to slow down and have some time for myself, Jack had been going to a childminder whilst I went back to work, and we continued this despite me no longer working as I knew it would be beneficial to my mental health. I'd been having Braxton Hicks again, the same as my first pregnancy, and the same as my hospital admissions, but they were always irregular and went away once I was up and about. So 24th May 37+4 weeks pregnant and its 7:30 am, we're all up, Kyle getting ready for work and me getting Jack ready for the childminder, I had a few twinges but nothing that stopped me in my tracks, and nothing I couldn't cope with. Kyle joked that I was going in to labour, but I reassured him they were nothing out of the ordinary. I dropped Jack off at the childminder and told her I'd been getting a few twinges, but that I'd be back later to pick him up, and I headed home to have breakfast as I had a consultant appointment at the hospital at 09:15. The night before I'd been really sick so had arranged for my mum to drive me to my appointment- I phoned her this morning to say she no longer needed to take me as I felt so much better, but she insisted she take me. 

I got home and poured out some cereal, decided I really didn't fancy it and bounced on my birthing ball until my mum arrived to take me to my appointment, unlike normal my Braxton Hicks hadn't stopped and were more like uncomfortable period pains, so when we left for the hospital I took my bags with me (just in case!) I really didn't feel like going to this appointment and I very nearly called to cancel and I just wanted to stay at home bouncing on my ball. The hospital is about 20 miles away and I wasn't overly comfortable sitting in the car, I started to notice my tightenings becoming a bit more painful and again used my affirmation of "my contractions are not stronger than me, they are me" I also kept thinking that I contracted all day at home with Jack, so these can't possibly be painful as its only been an hour or so! About half way into our journey I noticed I could no longer hold conversation during my contractions, I had to concentrate on my breathing and focus inwards more, and by the time we reached the hospital I felt my contractions were now maybe every 5 minutes or so. I was still keen to get to my clinic appointment as I felt it was too early to go to the labour ward. I was sitting at main reception waiting for my mum who was parking the car, and I was getting some very concerned looks from the receptionists as I swayed and breathed my way through contractions when my midwife just happened to walk through the door! She convinced me to let her take me to labour ward, just to triage, and messaged my mum so she's know where to find us, I declined the offer of a wheelchair and walked very slowly to the labour ward.

We made our way to a labour room- the same room I'd delivered Jack in! and the midwife asked if she could take my blood pressure, pulse, temperature, by this time about 09:20 I was really uncomfortable and was internally telling myself that if labour was going to be like this all, there was no way I'd cope and I needed an epidural! In hindsight I was probably in the transition stage of labour, as when I was asked to get onto the bed for an examination I told them there was no way I could sit on the bed, it was too painful and my waters promptly went all over my socks, clothes, the bedding and the floor! The release of my waters gave a brief moment of relief, replaced with very strong contractions giving the sensation to start pushing, I was standing upright holding on to the bed and pushed my baby boy out 4 minutes after my waters had broken. My mum came through the door with the bags in time to cut the cord, and the fairy lights, photographs and scents I'd packed to create my calm hypnobirthing environment, remained packed! It was a completely overwhelming experience, I was so pleased it was over, and also so shocked that it had happened as such a fast rate.

Whilst I had a super speedy birth this wasn't the end of my birth story, at about 45 minutes old I could hear my baby grunting whilst in skin to skin, I notified the midwife who was still in the room, but allowing us to spend the golden hour just relaxing, and explained I know within the first hour it could still be baby adjusting, but wanted her to double check he was okay, she checked his oxygen saturation levels and they were low at about 65% and so she told me she was going to call the emergency bell to get some more support. I've been the professional responding to that emergency call, and as a parent its completely different, and extremely scary, but I felt so reassured seeing the familiar faces of my colleagues coming through the door to help support my baby boy. His saturation levels were still low even with oxygen, so they called the neonatal team to come and assess and they decided he needed additional pressures to help maintain the levels he needed which would require admission to the neonatal unit. They explained everything to me and were so supportive and empathetic I knew this was the best decision for him, despite it not being with me. I then kicked myself that I'd left my expressed colostrum in the freezer at home!

Once they'd transferred Parker to NNU the midwife checked me over, and she asked a Dr for a second opinion of the tear I'd sustained, thankfully I lovely Dr that I knew and liked very much, and she informed me that I had a third degree tear, meaning there was damage to my anal sphincter, which if left could lead to incontinence issues and risk of infection. I agreed to it being repaired knowing that it would need a spinal anaesthetic and repair in theatre. It was then it all hit me and I became quite emotional and cried, I think surprising everyone in the room, and it was because I knew that with spinal anaesthetic I would not being able to walk and would even find simple mobilisation extremely difficult, if not impossible, which would prevent me from being able to go and see Parker in NNU. I explained my concerns to the Dr who got the anaesthetist to come and talk to me, he explained that the only other option would be a general anaesthetic, which I agreed I didn't want. He did however explain that he would try to keep me upright for as long as possible to prevent the block from going any higher than absolutely necessary, this would hopefully allow it to wear off slightly quicker too. I was reassured by this plan and agreed to go ahead. 

I was transferred back to labour ward after my surgical repair and I was greeted by a wonderful matron who helped me into a wheel chair and took me to see Parker, where my husband was able to join us and meet his son. Once Parker was born, my mum received a phone call purely by chance from Kyle where he hard Parker in the background and asked e "Have you had the baby!?" his arrival was a huge surprise to everyone! Because Parker had been admitted to the neonatal unit, he had blood tests for infection levels, which were unfortunately a little higher than normal, and resulted in us staying for 5 days total so he could have intravenous antibiotics. I have to admit, whilst my colleagues and friends did everything they could to make our time there as comfortable as possible, my mental health was struggling by the end of our stay and I knew the best place for us was to be at home. After discussions with the paediatric team we were able to finish the antibiotics and be discharged home. 

Whilst my stay was a struggle, I was able to use some of the mindset techniques to adapt my view on it and look at that time as invaluable bonding time with my baby that I will never get to have again, we had unlimited time together just the two of us, and for someone who struggled to feel bonded with my baby during pregnancy, and to feel bonded with my previous baby, this was actually really valuable for me. 

Thank you for reading, I know its a long one. I hope my birth stories show just how different births can be, but how hypnobirthing techniques have helped me cope through both labours, births and afterwards.